Racism & Bluest Eye 2

Emigrants at Ellis Island had to deal with all kinds of racism

When I came to America from China, I was enrolled into the elementary school at Oxford, Mississippi. On my first day of class, I followed the other children out to recess and watched as they all gathered with their friends and ran off to play on the jungle gyms or swing sets. I, however, wandered alone, friendless, and full of melancholy and longing for my home country. Within a few minutes, a group of boys accosted me. They were older, in 2nd grade, and they formed a circle around me. I looked over to the teachers, but they were all engaged in conversation, too busy to notice the threat that I felt.

A playground much like the one I remember

The boys started taunting me, making fun of the way I looked. They laughed at my eyes and my foreign clothes. Then, the bravest of them stepped forward and shoved his fist into my stomach. I hunched instinctively, trying to protect myself, but the others took his example and started hitting and kicking me. Some grabbed sand from the ground and threw it into my face. As recess ended, I was left hunched over and sobbing, feeling shame. “Many emotions, including shame, are generated by this “Thing,” by comparing someone with an ideal, making them seem less than, inferior, a mistake.” (X334) I had tasted my first bitter drop racism.

Things like the ‘slanty eyes’ still infuriate me today

I thought that as I got older, there would be fewer occurrences of intolerant people judging me by my race. But even when I moved to Austin, I still felt the harsh stings of discrimination. When I was 15, I was walking my dog in our neighborhood when a car full of teenagers drove past. “Go back to where you came from!” they shouted, and their hyena laughter followed me all the way home. It hurt to know that there could be such hatred in the world, and their taunting made me ashamed. “Guilt can be purged: a person can correct, make up for a mistake. But shame is a more core emotion: if a person believes he or she is a mistake, they believe that they should not have been born, and there is nothing that can be done about it. This basic shame is clearly a key to racism and many other behaviors.” (X334)

There were many times when I did not even want to go out in public with my parents, because I was embarrassed by us. The fear I felt of society denying me,” Fear of being rejected because of our appearance, abandoned by the group, and left homeless…”(X335) consumed me, and made me wish that I was white, not Chinese, and that I could assimilate properly into America. When I stood amongst a group of girls at school, I was sure that they thought, “We were so beautiful when we stood astride her ugliness.” (Morrison, 205)

Yet I cared little for beauty, but more for acceptance. All I wanted was to be able to go into a restaurant with my family without feeling shame. I wanted to be able to do things without feeling fear that people were judging us. Sometimes I found myself shielding myself against the possibility of racism, even when there was none to be found.

Today, I no longer have to worry as much about it. I know that while racism still exists, I must not live my life thinking someone is judging me every step of the way. "The insults were part of the nuisances of life, like lice." (Morrison, 153) It is a waste of my time to cater to the wishes of other people, and I know that I am much stronger now.